grammercy riffs: huh!

it has come to my attention (courtesy of CAR) that there is a remake of the warriors on the way. as most of you know, i have very strong feelings towards the 70's cult classic and am thus absolutely horrified of it being tainted with some MTV garbage-y update.

if a remake were even contemplated, these are the things that absolutely cannot be omitted:

-any of the gangs. i don't want any new "cool" gangs. changing or eliminating any of the original gangs is simply not permitted. touch the baseball furies or roller-skaters-with-overalls and you shall be condemned. they could probably make the lezzies more attractive though.
-the scene where the bad guy steals a pack of gum.
-the use of the phrase "i hope we can at least get some wolf out of this."
-the "can you dig it" scene. clearly, samuel jackson must play cyrus. this is non-negotiable.
-how the members of the warriors were, except for ajax, not cool, not tough, and extremely funny looking.
-the random scene where one of the warriors is arrested by the undercover cop sitting alone in a park in the middle of the night.
-the deejay. and i don't mean the concept of the dj, i mean the dj herself. the lady hasn't done anything since being the host of "where in the world is carmen san diego?" throw her a friggin bone.
-the three bottles clinking together. don't mess with "warriors, come out and plaayyy!"

and things that cannot be added:
-any of the proposed "matrix-like" fighting scenes. no, no, and no. the only enhancements to fighting scenes that are acceptable are slo-mo's (of guys getting thrown in front of trains, of guys getting smashed into bathroom stalls/bathroom mirrors, etc)
-any songs to the soundtrack that are played on MTV. classic wu-tang is the only acceptable hip-hop.
-any updated technology. no cell phones, computers, pagers, etc. remember, the warriors can't have any contact with the rest of the gang or the plot is ruined.
-any famous actors, with the exception of the aforementioned jackson and david schimmer, who has to play the leader of the orphans.
-any attractive people. the whore in the pink dress needs to be as sleazy as possible, and the guy who sets up the warriors must be the ugliest human we've seen since the original.
-any new/modern weapons. there's only two guns permitted (one for the lezzies, one for the repulsively hideous bad guy), and they have to be crappy and rusted. everyone else fights with shivs, broken bottles, 2x4's, pipes broken off bathroom ceilings, etc.

there's probably more to add to these lists, but im just getting furious thinking about it. this and my re-addiction to coffee have given me a mean case of the shakes.

-ETG